Coffee Talk. Wine Talk. Whether it’s AM or PM where you are… we are getting real over here. Every day I get asked “How’s having 2 kids?” Well, 2 months in it’s… brutal. Instagram is cute. Real life right now is a side show. We are settling in to our new normal, but our new normal is a hot mess. It’s ok though. It’s great even. But it’s a side show. They are little! (Reegan is 2 and Julia is 2 months old) And this season of life is hard.
We live in a time I am beyond grateful for. A place we can share the junk, the hard times, and the honesty. We can share the times that bring us to our knees over Legos being everywhere. Things you think you “should be able to handle”, but on Tuesday at 11am you just can’t. If my friend hadn’t warned me about the first poop after labor, I would’ve thought I was dying. Motherhood is the same situation… we need honesty or we feel like we might be dying.
Yes, there is more love in the house than ever…
My heart explodes when Reegan asks to hold Julia so she can give her kisses and it’s unbelievable to watch the innate protection for her sister within her bloom. Yes, the years go by so so quickly and Facebook timehop makes me want to sob. But the days… the days are long. Monday through Friday, when my husband is at work, I am wading through the realness. **To those mommas that do it alone; I think of you daily and I don’t know how you do it. Cheers.
It’s hard to explain what it’s like to have 2 kids, but here are a few confessions I’ve come to terms with…
Confession #1 : I was previously the worst person to help. Either I feel like I’m burdening you or I am annoyingly specific, Type A, and testy. But 2 months in, that ship has SAILED. It’s incredible how motherhood phases out your BS by first throwing it in your face. It makes your crap bold faced center in your life, and you either figure it out now, or you drown. Alone in the sea of newborn acid re-flux and toddler melt downs. Because on one likes a shady beach.
If I broke down the day for you on paper, those without kids would think is sounds like an easy day. (Remember that beach that wrote MEternity Leave. Yea. F her.) Those with grown kids would look back fondly and say “It goes by fast, cherish it”, and those IN IT would be like “Yes, sister preach it. I’m dying too.” Why? Because writing down the word DINNER doesn’t really do it. There are dinners without kids, dinners with other people’s kids, and then dinner with your own kids at home. All very, very different dinners.
By 5:30pm, I’m texting my husband asking him his ETA, Reegan is telling me (screaming) “No sit down table! Watch Mickey Mouse!!” for the 100th time and Julia is hanging off my bruised deflated boobs screaming her brains out. If I’m boss enough to get Reegan to sit down, she would like 7 forms of cheese and she’ll spit out or toss 90% of it on the floor.
Sure, she did this before Julia, but now I don’t have hands and I’m depleted. The game is a new level. So, get over yourself… You need so much help. SO much grace. SO much emotional support. Don’t be embarrassed by it. Let go of your Type A roadblocks and learn survival.
Confession #2 : Once a nanny of similarly aged children for multiple families I did not understand why SAHMs needed part time nannies. I thought it was some luxury of the rich. Um, no. It basically needs to be covered by insurance for proactive mental health care. Living away from family is exhausting. I now understand why families used to buy a home a half mile from their parents. That’s not as common anymore. The world is so much more accessible, people move all the time, but when you have small children you miss the village.
BUILD ONE.
…make friends, find sitters, schedule family to come in and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE without kids. Even if it’s for a 15 minute drive in silence. Do it. Grocery shopping with toddlers is torture, and with a newborn and a toddler I have a 1 car stop policy. I can not continually get them in and out of car seats right now and stay sane. We will get there one day but not today. So, we do one place per day. If I have errands, that’s it. If Reegan has gymnastics, that’s it. If it doesn’t have a drive thru, forget it exists.
If you need to go to more than one place per day or answer the phone… get a sitter, phone a friend.
Confession #3 : I would not survive without my mom friends. (Yup, basically just ‘you need help’ again.) Main advice to those pregnant… find someone also pregnant. Start talking about the weird bodily things going on, this will break the ice for when you call her in 10 months saying you might just go stand in the front yard for a minute because you can not handle someone touching you one more time. These kinds of statements will make those out of the phase worry for you. Those in the same phase will say “Stay in the house, put on Mickey Mouse.” I Marco Polo with two of my mom friends literally all day long. With out them I not sure how motherhood, or even marriage, would work. Mom guilt is real. You need friends to kick in it the butt for you because sometimes it will get ya.
Confession #4. I used to forget my mom was a human. Growing up, moms are moms. That’s their identity. That’s their purpose, right? There was my mom, Kelly’s mom, Jenna’s mom… they were moms. They are supposed to get it all perfect. They know everything. Until having my second, I had no real idea. My first showed me that all moms have a life before kid (shocking information), but baby #2? It brought the real to it. Balancing love for multiple human beings is hard. Having multiple organs outside of your body, walking around, having lives, getting hurt… it’s a feeling you can’t explain.
Julia is screaming for my boobs and Reegan is screaming because I’m attending to Julia before her shoes, when I used to attend to her shoes right away. I’ve had a few times 2 months in where I think “WTF do I even do right now?!” I’m comforting one for a basic need because I can’t tell her to wait, but then I’m comforting the other because I’m telling her to wait and she hasn’t had to before and it’s like ahhhhh.
Remind yourself that you are human.
We are not perfect. There are a million books telling you how to do it the “right way”, and then there’s another book telling you how that’s going to ruin them for life and you are sitting there on the floor covered in breast milk and with two kids crying and you just go blank. When you find yourself there, be kind to yourself. Say a quick “OMG they were human” about your own parents, and learn to nurse and tie shoes at the same exact time. We all grow up to need therapy anyway.
Confession #5. I cry. Randomly. For all the things. Because they are hugging. Because I fear their future. Just because my heart is expanding rapidly.
You’ll cry because some moments you are so overwhelmed you won’t know what to do next. Because you’ve lost yourself and because you are finding a new stronger self. You’ll cry because they are giggling at each other. You’ll cry because you raised your voice. You’ll cry because you feel like you are failing. You’ll cry because they are showing you what kind looks like. You’ll cry.
That’s normal. Let it out.
One baby feels crazy. Until there’s two. And then mothers of one look like they are on vacation. I’m sure mothers of 3+ look at 2 like aww that’s cute.
All I can say is find another mama you trust, someone to hold on to, and enjoy the ride with. Someone to laugh and cry with you. Don’t be afraid to vent. Hopefully you both aren’t crying on the same day.
Trying your best means you are doing an amazing job.
Some days will test your limits beyond any limit you thought you had. Some days will burst your heart into a million pieces of joy.
You’ll need those life rafts on both of those somedays.
Confession #6 : I still try to talk Jeff into a 3rd. No matter how hard it is, being a mom is the best. Watching little people grow makes the entire world make sense. It makes you have more hope in your heart than anything else in the world. Even on my worst day, I’m not ready to cut the cords just yet.
Love real talk? Head to the True Life archive of the blog under Topics (ME) to see more!
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